The rain doesn’t know it’s sad, that’s my doing.
So who had the under on my challenge to run 26.2 by Patriot’s Day this month?
In my typical fashion, I’m trying to deflect from the truth with humor, but it’ just hiding.
Here’s the truth. I have been up and down emotionally for weeks now. If you read my posts, you know one of my best friends from high school died suddenly, inexplicably.
I admit I’m just shocked by it and can’t imagine a world without the guy I spent so much time with as a young man growing up. Don’t get me wrong, this is not the first friend of mine that’s died, but this loss has found me struggling with it in ways I did not expect.
I’ve been saying I’m not where I should be mentally. I go through periods where I feel nothing, but weariness. I go through stretches where I feel normal and even good. But in both these states, the smallest things can set me off. It’s weird, I can go through a day, read a bunch of things that usually piss me off and then, some little petty thing will just trigger anger in me and I’m fighting to stop myself from spewing some curse-filled rant at someone or at some thing. It’s terrible, it’s just leaves me so ashamed and let down that I can’t do better in dealing with this.
The other thing that happens, is weird thing will start me crying. My kid was watching Lady Bug and Cat Noir, that cartoon about the French teens that turn into super heroes with the help of these little creatures and I’m crying. Not blubbering, just crying, like the tears are leaking out of me.
So in thinking about it, I really have mislabeled it. I am, I guess, right where I should be mentally, I just wasn’t admitting that I need to face this and deal with it.
It’s terrible to lose a friend, especially one you had been really close to and who knew you so well when you were young and full of dreams and goals that you shared with that person. In my case, we drifted a part. We were on different coasts and even when I moved back into the same metro area, we had kids and jobs and our grown up friends and family obligations so we didn’t hang out or talk much. And then, we were going to meet for coffee, but he didn’t make it.
And now I see a family without a father and husband and close friends and co-workers who knew him better than I did as a man and they are grieving and I am along with them and also because I held out hope we would renew our friendship in a way. I didn’t expect to be a big part of his life, but I did so love to talk to him and hear his voice and trade jokes and discuss news and literature and writing and kids and colleges and family.
But now that’s never going to happen, at least not beyond my imagination. So I grieve the young man I knew who was so smart and fun, I grieve the man he became – a loving husband and father and brilliant educator and wonderful friend and I grieve the loss of the days we could have had.
But I think that’s the truth of what’s been happening to me.
So I didn’t make the running challenge I had set for myself, to run 26.2 miles this month by Patriot’s Day, which is traditionally the day they run the Boston Marathon. I just quit with 8.3 miles left. I’ve been ashamed of that too, I felt I should have done better than that. Should have been more mentally tough.
But I figured out I am not as tough as I thought I was, nor am I as weak as I feel during my moments of failure. I will rise tomorrow morning and start chasing down the final miles of my quest for this month and I’ll do my best.
My offer still stands, if someone did get to 26.2 miles and they post their time in the comments of this blog, I’ll send them a signed copy of one of my books, their choice.
I’ll let you know when I hit the 26.2 mile mark and how many hours it took me and hopefully, I will be stronger in more ways than I was, I think my friend would appreciate that.
And then the rain will just fall.
Keep writing, keep running